Shame & Guilt

Emotions are one of the most salient parts of our human existence. They are frequent and intense most of the time. They feel pleasant like joy and happiness or unpleasant like shame and guilt.

We employ many strategies as well, to deal with the frequency and intensity of our emotions: distractions, suppression, reappraisal of the situation, choosing the situations based on the predicted emotions to be felt there, situation modification, rumination, shifting our attention towards or away of the emotional stimuli, etc.

But do we really understand our emotions and why are emotions present in our life and how we can feel and make sense of them in a healthy way?

There is a lot to say about emotions, but today we will be focusing on shame and guilt: two very unpleasant and “heavy” emotions.

Both, shame and guilt, are complex emotions that we start to feel at an older age when we, as kids, are starting to understand the more complex world and we make a difference between me and others (in psychology we say that we have developed our theory of mind).

Which are the voices of shame and guilt?

Shame: You are not good enough. Who are you to do that? It’s your fault. It’s something really wrong about you!

Guilt: I should have done that differently. I could have reacted better. I feel bad for doing that.

Shame focuses on you as a person, guilt is focused on your behavior.

One scientific review examining the neural correlates of guilt and shame found that the neural underpinnings of guilt and shame were similar yet distinct, indicating that both emotions while sharing some common ground, are fundamentally different (Bastin et al., 2016).

And what are these emotions trying to tell us? That we are really inherently wrong or that we act wrong?

Let’s listen more closely: we feel shame and/or guilt many times when we don’t follow the norms of our family or the society or we don’t take into consideration the feelings and experience others have!

What does this mean? That both these emotions are oriented towards creating a balance between self and others.

Unfortunately, too many times we engage in negative self-evaluations when feeling these two emotions, especially with shame and we remain trapped in our internal dialogue.

One study looked at people’s reactions to feelings of guilt, shame, and anger, and found that people who felt shame were more likely to avoid eye contact than people who felt guilty. They also found that people who felt guilt were more likely to want to repair the damage they may have caused than people who felt shame (Pivetti et al., 2016).

Someone who feels guilty regrets some behavior they exhibited, while someone who feels shame regrets some aspect of who they are as a person. (Tignor & Colvin, 2017). Many times we believe that it is much easier to alleviate feelings of guilt than of shame, as making up for bad behavior seems easier than fundamentally changing oneself.

Nowadays, we know that our way of being is dynamic and that we can change, but still, in times of intense feeling of shame, it is difficult to not internalize the inner voice and to not identify with what it says.

That is why it is very important to understand our emotions and their role in our life. When we look at shame and guilt and ourselves with forgiveness, love, and compassion, we can grow as individuals, as groups, and society. Instead of using the feeling of shame on blaming ourselves and others and making each other feel even more unpleasant, we can find the sense and use our emotions for our empowerment and responsibility.

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Shame and guilt are very functional emotions and even though they are unpleasant, they are a big part of our life and they inform us of our surroundings and how we are behaving and acting and being in our groups and society has an impact on ourselves and others.

Of course, there is much more to be said about our emotions, especially shame. However, removing the negative label that we put on them is the first step towards a healthy relationship with our emotions. Also, it is very important to be critical and really sit with your emotions and ask yourself: is it really true that I have acted in the wrong way or that I am a bad person?

Next time when you feel shame or guilt, take some time and think about this article and see if it changes your experience of the emotion.

And, of course, if you feel you need help with understanding and working with your emotions, find a professional that can support you!