Loneliness

One of the big bogeymen of our human existence is feeling lonely or alone.

When we are born, we need our caregivers to provide, protect, and nourish us. Without them, we don’t stand a chance of surviving and thriving in the world. We need food, love, shelter, soothing, and connection. They teach us how to be in society. They help us regulate our emotions and learn about our bodies and our human experience.

As we grow up, we learn how to be more independent, how to provide, protect, nourish, and soothe ourselves. However, as social beings, we still need our community to thrive. Evolutionary Psychology proposed the idea that, as we developed, if one was banished from their tribe, their chances of surviving in the wilderness were low. And one had to be on constant alert in order to stay alive. Having at least someone else near gave the chance to take a break, sleep, and rest. But being in constant alert wears us down really fast, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

And even if our modern society gives us the impression that we are independent and we don’t need others, the truth is that we are highly interdependent. Ordering food online, making money on my own, doesn’t make me independent of others; it just makes me independent of my parents, friends, and family. But I am still in connection with the people who pay for my services, or who make and bring me the food to my door.

Thus, it is important to accept our need for connection and our need for others and our interdependence with others, and our environment, nature. We are wired for connection. Is what keeps us together. Our nervous system is helping us to do so! I love this article that explains some great facts about this topic.

We don’t live in a bubble of just ME. We are dependent on air, food, and water at least. Without it, we die. Same with the connection. People who are isolated develop more unhealthy dependencies (alcohol, drugs, etc.) and are more predisposed to depression and mental and emotional health issues.

When we were kids, we were used to having our needs met by others, or even having them recognize our needs for us (e.g., when we were hungry or tired and we had no idea what the hell was going on). And even as adults, many of us still have no idea what our needs are, moment by moment.

And then there are the cases when our needs couldn’t be met, and we suppressed them. Maybe you had only one parent providing for you, and they couldn’t offer you everything you needed. And at that point, you couldn’t and didn’t know how to reach further, or really didn’t have someone else to look to.

And then there is feeling alone or lonely. In itself, feeling this is not necessarily a bad thing (as with all emotions) and not always something unpleasant. However, in many cases or for many, feeling alone can be excruciatingly painful. It can feel like a deep, heavy weight.

So, what to do when feeling and being alone is painful?

1. Remember, it is normal to feel like this. You are not broken, and there is nothing to be fixed about you. Don’t judge yourself for feeling the way you do. In that way, you just add to and perpetuate the pain.
2. Running from this feeling is not a long-term solution! It will help you at the moment, but it might perpetuate unhealthy habits and behaviors. Stay where you are and look at your pain. It is there to tell you something. In the beginning, it might be very uncomfortable, and you’ve got this. If it does feel too much, you can stop at any time and endulge in your activity that distracts. However, in long term it would help to face this pain, so you can see how you can meet the underlying need.
3. Ask yourself what you need. The first answer might be: I don’t know. If that is the case, ask yourself: if someone else were here with me, what would they offer? Is it touch, soothing, encouragement, joy, food, relaxation, etc.?
4. How can you meet that need yourself first? By meeting your own needs, you will feel more empowered and safe, and you will trust yourself more. Maybe you need a nap or some good food. You can take a walk to relax, read, or watch a movie. Then, when others meet your needs is like the cherry on top of the cake!
5. Is it connection that you need? Do you have a friend, family member, or place where you can go to connect with people? Go for it! Tell your friends that you need a good laugh, and if they are in the mood for that.
6. You need connection, and no one you know is available at the moment, and you don’t have an idea how you can meet this need by yourself, since it implies connecting with others? While not as helpful, there are some ways that can help you to soothe the pain until you can meet someone. One of them is meditation – close your eyes, breathe deeply, and think about the Earth from space. Think about loved ones and all the people on this planet, and how we are all connected through our planet. Visualize moments of connections and indulge in them, and in that pleasure. You can also go for a walk and be mindful of people, nature, and any animals around you. Connect with the sky, the sun, the clouds, or the moon. Smile at people on the street. Gentle and with kindness (we don’t want to be creepy, we just want to connect 😉 Connect with the child in you, connect with joy and curiosity. Or listen to music and connect with the instruments, the lyrics, and the song.
7. Realize that you are actually not alone. It is a very intense feeling that you are experiencing. Maybe you have a neighbor who really feels the same, and he is just next door. There is only a wall between you two. That doesn’t mean you need to ring their doorbell and ask them if they feel alone 😉 You can do it if you feel there is a safe connection there, of course.
8. Talk with others about your pain of feeling alone. Ask them if they sometimes feel the same. You will be surprised. And again, you will see that you are not alone in feeling alone.
9. Make a list of activities and things to do when this pain strikes (after checking what your needs are at the moment).
10. Add to this list whatever helps you!

If the pain of being alone is very intense and it is affecting your life and relationships negatively, consider talking to a professional to help and support you! Asking for help and being vulnerable is a sign of strength, not weakness.