Our self-image is the mental representation one has of their abilities, behaviors, appearance, personality, and values and one important way of constructing it is by using social comparisons.
We look at others, and we compare ourselves with them! We do so to have an external standard against which to judge our abilities and opinions.
What do we seek when we do so? It is actually not a bad behaviour per se, but rather a social tool of belonging to groups. However, it has mostly been described as a way of coping with bad news or a bad self-image, to manage negative emotions about oneself, to position oneself higher than one currently thinks he is (i.e., self-enhancement), or to affiliate with others (belonging to certain groups).
There are three types of social comparisons: with others that are similar to us, with others that we consider superior (upward), and with others that we consider inferior (downward).
How do we use these social comparisons? We check our friends, family, celebrities, and pick abilities, behaviours, possessions, etc., and if you are better off than others (downward), you feel satisfied; if you think you are worse (upward), you feel dissatisfied.
While these comparisons are meant to show us where we stand in our social groups, unfortunately, using them has different effects. In the short term, we might feel better about ourselves, but in the long term, frequent social comparisons, especially when we feel less than, may actually make one feel worse and decrease their well-being.
You or others around you felt this mostly through the use of Social Media: seeing others living the life you want to be living while you are alone and sad at home can make you fall into a downward spiral with no easy way out. It also increases the non-authenticity portrayed in our Social Media accounts.
We also engage in social comparisons because we have a drive to evaluate ourselves. But in order for social comparison not to be problematic, we should have a clear self-image and to view oneself as objectively as possible. Which really means knowing and appreciating oneself for who we are, in any given moment.
Two studies in psychology examined the relationship between frequent social comparisons and destructive emotions and behaviors. What they discovered is that people who said they made frequent social comparisons were more likely to experience envy, guilt, regret, defensiveness, to lie and blame others, to have unmet cravings, and to be less satisfied with their jobs (White et al., 2006).
What does this mean? Should we not evaluate ourselves? Should we not look at others? Not really.
We are social beings, and we live in a very social world after all. And evaluating oneself can help reach our goals and our desired self!
It just means that it is healthier to do it in a different way than how we normally do so. Some invitations for helping with this:
- If we see a friend who does something we would like to do as well, to be happy for him/her and add that to our list of things we want to do. If we don’t know how, we can ask our friend or Google it 😉 Find someone who can teach and support you! You can use what you see in and at others as motivation for personal growth and expansion.
- If we see someone who has something that we want, the same as above! Maybe we weren’t aware that we wanted it until that specific moment, so instead of being envious, we can be grateful that we now know.
- If we do feel negative emotions regarding ourselves, and we feel it even more intensely when we see others doing/having/being how we would love to be, it would be more helpful and healthy to take responsibility for our emotions, see what is going on, why we feel like that, and then not blame the other person and continue to feel bad.
- If we want to see where we are relative to others, we simply do that! Draw a line and see where you were and where you want to be, and ask yourself how you can get there!
- In all these cases, if your emotions get intense and you don’t know how to cope with them, ask for help and support from a professional. Trying to put the other down, so you can feel better, will not help you more than in the spot. It is like a band-aid for a broken leg.
- Remind yourself of your amazing qualities and your own progress in reaching your goals. You are doing great!