Here I am, in the comfort of my own space and with myself, aware of the great gifts my life is giving me, after almost one week of family and reconnecting with old friends, needing my time with myself, and the pain of feeling alone hit me like never before.

One of the big Boggy Man of our human existence is being alone. Along the years I had my share of being afraid of ending up or being alone, pleasing others in the search of love and acceptance, being in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone and dreading being alone. Also, seeing others around me doing and being in ways that are not honoring them or others due to this fear. And yet, we seem to not address it as much as needed or treat it in the way it should be treated, so it doesn’t incapacitate us anymore.

When we are born, we need our caregivers to provide, protect and nourish us. Without them, we don’t stand a chance to survive and thrive in the world. We need food, love, shelter, soothing, connection. They teach us how to be in society. They help us regulate our emotions and learn about our bodies and our human experience.

As we grow up, we learn how to be more independent, how to provide, protect, nourish and soothe ourselves. However, we still need our community in order to thrive.

Many many years ago, if you were banished from the tribe, your chances to survive in the wilderness were pretty low. You had to be in constant alert in order to stay alive. Having at least someone else with you, giving you the chance to take a break and sleep and rest. Being in constant alert wears us down really fast – emotionally, mentally, physically.

Sometimes, I feel better just knowing that someone else is in the same room, without even interacting with that person.

Even if our modern society gives us the impression we are independent and we don’t need others, the truth is that we are highly interdependent. Ordering food online, making money on my own, don’t make me independent of others, it just makes me independent of my parents, friends, and family. But I am still in connection with the people that pay for my services, or that make and bring me the food to my door.

The way out of co-dependency is accepting our need for connection and our need for others and our interdependence with others and our environment – nature.

We are wired for connection. Is what keeps us together. Our nervous system is helping us to do so! I love this article that explains some great facts about this topic.

We don’t live in a bubble of just ME. We are dependent on air and food and water at least. Without it, we die. Same with the connection. People that are isolated develop more unhealthy dependencies (alcohol, drugs, etc.) and are more predisposed to depression and mental and emotional health issues.

When we were kids we were used to having our needs met by others, or even having them recognize our needs for us (e.g.: when we are hungry or tired and we have no idea what the hell is going on). And, many of us, still have no idea what our needs are, moment by moment.

Many times when I ask my clients what do you need right now they stare at me, with a blank look on their face and they tell me they have no idea whatsoever.

I remember being there as well.

And then are the cases when our needs couldn’t be met and we suppressed them. Maybe you had only one parent providing for you and he/she couldn’t offer you everything. And at that point, you couldn’t and didn’t know how to reach further or really didn’t have someone else to look to.

We fail for years and years to recognize that that situation is no longer the case or we blame our caregivers for not being available and we get stuck. I encourage you to understand what happened and how you reached your today (looking at our evolution as a species and our evolution as a person), but not in order to point fingers. I am encouraging you to be compassionate of yourself and others and start taking responsibility for your life, which means taking responsibility for your needs – mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual.

So what to do when being alone is painful?

1. Remember it is normal to feel like this. You are not broken and there is nothing to be fixed about you. Don’t judge yourself for feeling the way you do. In that way, you just add and perpetuate the pain.
2. Running is not a long-term solution! It will help you at the moment, but it might perpetuate unhealthy habits and behaviors. Stay where you are and look at your pain. It is there to tell you something. As I like to joke: there is a disturbance in the system 😉 In the begining, it might be crazy uncomfortable, but you’ve got this.
3. Ask yourself what do you need. The first answer might be: I don’t know. If that is the case ask yourself: if someone else was here with me, what they would offer? Is it touch, soothing, encouragement, joy, food, relaxation, etc.?
4. How can you meet that need yourself first? By meeting your own needs, you will feel more empowered and safe and you will trust yourself more. Maybe you need a nap or some good food. You can take a walk to relax or pain or read or watch a movie. Then when others meet your needs is like the cherry on top of the cake!
5. Is it connection what you need? Do you have a friend or family or place where you can go to connect with people? Go for it! Tell to your friends that you need a good laugh and if they are in the mood for that.
6. You need connection and no one you know is available on the moment and you don’t have an idea how you can meet this need by yourself since it implies connecting with others? There are many ways actually. One of them is meditation – close your eyes and breathe deep and think about the Earth from the space. Think about loved ones and all the people on this planet and how we are all connected through our planet. Visualize moments of connections and indulge in them and in that pleasure. You can also go for a walk and be mindful of people and nature and any animals around you. Connect with the sky, the sun, the clouds or the moon. Smile at people on the street. Gentle and with kindness (we don’t want to be creepy, we just want to connect 😉 Connect with the child in you, connect with joy and curiosity. Or listen to music and connect with the instruments and the lyrics and the song.
7. Realize that you are actually not alone. It is a very intense feeling that you are experiencing. Maybe you have a neighbor that really feels the same and he is just next doors. There is only a wall between you two. That doesn’t mean you need to ring their doorbell and ask them if they feel alone 😉 you can do it, but again, we don’t want creepiness hehe
8. Talk with others about your pain of being alone. Ask them if they feel sometimes the same. You will be surprised. And again, you will see that you are not alone in feeling alone.
9. Make a list of activities and things to do when this pain strikes (after checking what are your needs at the moment).
10. Add to this list whatever helps you!

If the pain of being alone is very intense and it is affecting negatively your life and relationships, consider talking to a professional to help and support you! Asking for help and being vulnerable is a sign of strength, not weakness.